It's All About the Music....NOT!
Okay, lets get a few things straight before I launch myself off on a carpet-chewing spit-frothing diatribe. It's better this way, and you can't say afterward that I didn't warn you.
First of all, I am a jealous sumbitch. I always hate sitting in the crowd watching someone up there on the stage get all the glory. I have always been this way. I denied it for years, but finally faced up to it several years ago while I was busy facing up to a whole bushel of my other personality defects. I find now that I feel better by simply admitting it. Biting my nails helps a bit.
I may also be just a wee tad bitter. After having been fucked up the butt for years by every dickhead in the music business from club owners to record companies I feel that I've earned the rights. If they gave out jacket patches every time they screwed you, I'd have a closet full of them and probably more in a drawer somewhere.
And finally, I don't like getting older. That is a hassle in itself, but we all have to deal with that. Unless you're Jim Morrison or Kurt Cobain, and they're dead! The worst thing however is everyone else's perceptions of what you should and should not be and do now that you have reached more advanced years. Herein lies the crux of this story.
On with the show.
First of all, the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and probably myself in case anyone gets pissed off at my meddling in their affairs. I'm not meddling, I'm just bitchin'.
There is a Certain Band that was playing at the Big Spring Jam. I had always wanted to hear this band because a guy named (a-hilt!) 'Bob Smith' was the front man. I have some friends who are close to Bob, they are always telling me how great of a guitarist he is, he writes great songs, he's godly and studly and blah blah blah. The Certains were playing on one stage while some other friends of mine were playing on another. We elected not to go see them because they were to play at a club after the jam with some close buddies of mine opening. We'd just catch them then, and in a more intimate setting.
Heading off after the set by they guys I knew, we ran into my bud who plays in the band that was opening for the Certain Band at the club later. I told him we missed the Certains 'cause we'd see them later at their gig, and he said "Oh man, you shoulda seen 'em a few minutes ago. Bob is outta the band."
I was dumbstruck. Hey, wasn't it more or less his band? Wasn't he the font man? Didn't he write most if not all of the songs? Weren't the record companies scouting them like crazy? Was he crazy or fucked up?
Turns out it was neither. Yeah, the record moguls were scouting this band. One company in particular was tuned into them. They loved the band, they loved the songs, they loved the look of the band, they loved everything. But they, regretfully so it was said (as if record company folks have real feeling like you and me), wanted Bob out.
"What!?" I exclaimed. Was it the way Bob looked? No, Bob is a good-looking dude. Tall, slim, studly. If he walked down the street in front of you, you'd say, "I'll bet that guy is a rock star." No that wasn't it.
Did they dislike his voice? No, Bob's got a great voice. One that you can imagine coming out of the car speakers as you blast down the road.
How about his playing? Nope, no problem with that. Although it made me scratch my head when I found out this killer guitar player was playing bass in the band, no his bass playing was just fine. Plus he wrote most or all of the songs as far as I know.
So, wait a minute. Whatdafuck is going on here? What was the thing that was so bad they wanted to force Bob from his own band? Bad breath? Drug habits? Alcoholic? No, that wasn't it. It was something really bad!
Bob is 39 years old.
Okay, so I realize that I, at the tender age of 48 years, am too old looking to be a teen idol. My dreams of a hit duet with Brittany have vanished into the ether. But Bob could be a fucking teen idol. He looks the part, and besides they wouldn't be selling his band to the Hillary Duff fan club members, but to college age and the 20's-to-early-30's crowd. In my opinion, he'd be perfect for the job. But I am not a marketing genius like the record company guys.
So, let's get this straight: Love ya baby, everything about you. Your looks, your voice, your band, your songs. But you're a few years over our demographics, so you're outta here. Just like that.
So what could Bob do? My first inclination would be, fuck you go find yourself some new songs. But think about it. They want to sign the band, the guy that writes the songs is the one who will make the bucks. We were all listed as writers in Lord Tracy and that is the only way we made anything at all off that experience. I guess he could cut his nose off to spite his face, but he's a rational guy so he gracefully backs out.
What about the rest of the guys in the band? I guess they could 'all-for-one-and-one-for-all' and tell the record company to shove it up their ass. But you know what? First of all, that mind-set went out with dinosaur shit and beef roll penny-loafers, it's every man for himself in this Brave New Century. Secondly, what would they really gain by it? That Rock Star dream is a real siren song, lemme tell ya. It is still singing in my ear every day of my life, even when I know it is all over for me.
Evidently, when the word came down that they probably wouldn't take the band with Bob in it a couple of weeks ago, they recruited a new bass player and a separate lead vocalist that would fit the record company's demographic profile. I think I can safely assume that Bob cooperated and even helped out with this. God, that's a big man. I would probably be out the door with my middle finger raised even before the other shoe dropped. I gather that the final word came from the record moguls just the other day and Bob played part of the set at the Big Spring Jam, handed the rest of the gig over to the new singer and bass player, and left the building like Elvis as soon as it was over.
All this hit me in the gut and just ruined my night. I was so pissed off that I wanted to chug about five of those crappy Budweisers and fight somebody. (Notice: Budweiser-Music Business. Big Crappy Beer - Big Crappy Music. Is there a correlation?) Of course I took it personally! I am nine years older than Bob, what do you think this says to me? And I have always been a person who hates to see injustice done. I hate to see anyone being treated wrongly. Yeah, I know. I could get ulcers over this.
Later we get over to see our buds open up for the Certain Band. Our friends rocked the joint for their short set, then the Certains take the stage. I find myself resenting the new lead singer, mad at the other guys in the band. Wait a minute, I have to tell myself. It's not their fault. Heck, Bob is not even a friend of mine, barely even an acquaintance. Be pissed off at the Big Record Companies, they are the ones who are at fault here.
So, what's gonna happen here? The Certain Band will probably get the deal. Hopefully for them, the record will turn out great and garner some killer airplay once it comes out. If it does, they are on their way to rock stardom, at least for awhile. They may have a couple of years run if they are extremely lucky, before they are cast aside in favor of some other (younger) band. I would hope they invest well.
Bob will probably do what he has always done, play and write songs. I hope for his sake the band sells well so he can make some profit off the songs he wrote for them. Lord knows he deserves this for having his nuts cut off with a dull deer antler by the record company. At least he will have the satisfaction to know that he is the real deal, and not something created in some boardroom meeting somewhere in the cesspool of LA. I hope he doesn't flip past MTV and VH1 like I do with a shudder wishing it were me up there in living color instead of the next Image Band. I hope he can put it behind him and move on.
I can still seethe with enough righteous pissed-offness for the both of us.
JimmyR 9/2003
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"We live in an age of music for people who don't like music. The record industry discovered some time ago that there aren't that many people who actually like music. For a lot of people, music's annoying, or at the very least they don't need it. They discovered if they could sell music to a lot of those people, they could sell a lot more records."
- T Bone Burnett
Read Steve Albini's famous article on the music biz here.