The 36 rules: exceptions and observations

1. If you've been through more than 4 bass players, it might just be that you've been really desperate to find a GOOD bass player, and you've settled for shitty ones in order to keep gigging. When you find the RIGHT bass player, treat him like a God. That goes for keyboard players as well.  Remember, keyboard players can make big bucks in piano bars. They don't need ANY of us!

2. I look GOOD in suits, and as I happen to have about 20 of them, I HAVE worn a suit on stage from time to time. It just has to be a COOL suit!  David Bowie has cool suits. B.B.King can be cool dressed like a banker.  Eddie Money looks like a fuckin' DORK in a suit.

3. Yeah...if there's a chick in the band, she's fuckin' the guitar player...right after she's finished fuckin' all the roadies, and the drummer's lesbian girlfriend, and the drummer's father. It's on video tape.  I'll sell you a copy.

4. Drummers who aren't built like Hercules should NEVER play without a shirt. That goes for the rest of the band as well. But there's an exception to that, too. Iggy Pop can get away with it.

5. Cowboy hats can be cool on some people. Baseball caps can be too. But never wear your baseball cap backwards. It looks like you're ready to SUCK COCK!!!

6. This is neither a rule, nor is it an exception. Read on. I have personally only worn shorts on stage twice. I humbly apologize. The first time was a gig in Mississippi when a bunch of bikers brought in several Piggly Wiggly bags full of psilocybin mushrooms. They dosed EVERYBODY. The band all stripped to our underwear and threw our clothes out to the audience. I played drums in boxers and platform shoes. Please forgive me...but bear in mind that it was 1974, and I was much younger and MUCH thinner back then. The audience wore our clothes on their heads as turbans and danced like Durvishes while we played "Roundabout" four times in a row.  Fuck, man, it was FUN!! The second time was a 4th of July gig in the infield of a raceway during a heatwave at 3 in the afternoon. When I saw myself that night on the evening news, they said it was 105 degrees while we were playing. I wore gym shorts and a Tee-shirt. Not that anybody CARES, but we were opening for Mother's Finest! LMFAO!!!

7. Never...I repeat NEVER!!!...let a band member's girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/parent become, or think they've become, or behave as if they think they've become your "manager." Think "Spinal Tap."

8. If your guitar player is incapable of learning the solo to "Welcome to the Club," he's incapable of playing...PERIOD! Fire his happy ass!