American Idol vs Mental Health
I am not a really big fan of the TV series American Idol, but we caught the first episode of the most recent installment in this seemingly endless series the other night, and have been watching it religiously ever since. Not for the lights, camera, action of dozens of teenage Clay-wannabees vying for the elusive brass ring of fame, not for the outpouring emotions of the victors, or the agony-of-defeat tears of those eliminated. Not for the sheer volumes of talent on display, nor for the soaring ambitions of those who want to walk with the musical gods. Nope, none of that shit. I watch it to see how America is losing the battle for mental health.
How has it gone so wrong? Where have we failed our children? Are we too far gone to ever come back?
I am talking about the preliminary part of the series, where our three hapless judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell have to sit through some of the most horrendous and stupefyingly atrocious "talent" ever to grace television. Some of these kids are hilarious in their presentations, while others are disturbingly oblivious to their agonizing lack of talent in the extreme. Some are, even more disturbingly, totally convinced of their greatness and fitness, no, absolute God-given RIGHT to be chosen to be this year's American Idol. It's like watching a train wreck happen over and over again in slow motion, and being powerless to stop it.
I have never seen anything like it in my entire life. Well yeah, I guess I have. One time years ago when I first moved to Memphis and was trying to get a band together before I got the job in Creed, I was practicing with some guys out in Collierville. I have always loved to sing, but I have always known my limitations, too. We were playing hard rock that called for someone who could really belt it out. We ended up convincing my Arkansas bud Freddie Kirksey to come over and not only sing but play keyboards as well, but before that we tried auditioning a few singers.
I don't really remember how we got hooked up with this guy, but I think my drummer Bill Bass or his wife Linda had found him. Anyway, we set up a time for him to come out and show us what he could do. We'd told him ahead of time some of the numbers we played and he said he knew 'em all, no problem. We were pretty stoked thinking we were gonna land an undiscovered Robert Plant or something.
So the guy shows up with a buddy of his that drove him out. He didn't look like much, but what the hell did that mean, so we set him up a mic and got ready on our instruments. I remember asking him what he wanted to start out with and he said he didn't care. I picked something, counted it off and we blasted into the number.
Time rolls around for the vocal to come in and the guy is just standing there at the mic. His lips are moving, but nothing's coming out! We play on, looking at each other with that 'wha-da-fuck' look on our faces, still nothing audible escaping from the guy's mouth, until finally we just stop playing. The guy's over there leaning on the mic with a real pleased look on his kisser, like he just nailed the fuck out of the song or something.
I remember looking at Bass and he said, "Maybe we outta turn the mic up a bit?" So I did. I asked the guy, well how about doing.....(whatever) and he says, "yep, okay."
We launch into another hard rocker, and the same thing. When the vocal is supposed to some in, there he is over there with his lips barely moving and not a sound coming out. We didn't play as long that time before the song ground to a halt. I looked at the guy, he's over there smiling like he's Jack the Lad or something. I look at Bass, whose by now got one eye cocked and beginning to look a bit pissed off. Our big bassist, Byrd, just looked at the floor and shook his head.
I was getting a little bit more than pissed off. I asked bluntly, "Dude, can you sing...at ALL?"
"Oh yeah, man. Couldn't you hear me? I was singing the whole time."
"No. None of us could hear you. Not at all. What's your problem?"
He smiles this dumb smile. "Well, I sing a lot better when I get a little high. You guys wanna get high?"
Bass' face lights up at that. He says, "Sure man, now you're talkin'."
"Great!" the guys says, "Ya'll got any pot?"
Now I want you to imagine the swiftness of dolphin's leap, the quickness of the gazelle, the explosive speed of a fighter pilot ejecting from his plane. That will give you at least some idea of how fast we hustled that motherfucker and his buddy out of the house.
So, here we are watching American Idol and exclaiming at not only how bad some of these people are, but at the fact that they didn't know it. Andria asked Christie, "Mama, don't they know they can't sing?" All we could do was shake our heads and marvel over the carnage being created on the family screen.
There were people so bad they HAD to know it, and yet they didn't. One of them said she would settle for a public apology from the judges! Several of them wouldn't quit singing in hopes that the magic lightning bolt would hit the judges and SHAZAAAM! they'd be putting out their first album, pre-sold in the millions by the next month. A couple of times at least one of the judges had to leave the room, either to puke or have a strong drink was my guess. One guy was so unstoppable that he ended up singing to the chairs because they ALL left the room. The final guy ended up throwing water on Simon and had to be jerked out of there by security and the cops.
People think Simon is an asshole, and he probably is. But he is way too kind. This would be me: "Thank you, my dear, for a superb rendition of that lovely song. Please don't take this personally, but well....YOU SUCK!!!!"
How can these people not know they suck? I am an optimist who wants to believe that everyone can do something very well. But a mentally healthy person has to know his limitations. Take me, for instance. I know I am a good guitar player. I love to sing, too. I even front my own band and don't run people off. I would audition for a band for my guitar playing, and some singing on the side. I would NEVER audition as the singer. I'm just not that good. But I am at least 100 times better than some of these total idiots on that show.
I'm not talking about Clay, Ruben, or what's that chick's name from the first one? Kelly? Those kids can sing their asses off, no matter if you don't really like their music. They are artists in their own right. The only way I can explain the behavior of some of the would-be contestants is that they have mental health issues, delusions foremost among them.
They gotta have someone, either family or friends, behind them saying, "Go, Johnny, go!" and "You bad!" and stuff like that. At least I hope so. That's bad enough. But if everyone says they suck, and they still have these delusions of greatness, then we are in grave trouble as a nation. Lord, just don't let them get their hands on automatic weapons! Yeah, yeah I know; guns don't kill people. It's just guns in the hands of deluded psychos that have been recently bounced from American Idol that worry me!
What's going to happen to these people later in life? Are they going to be able to accept themselves, find out what they're really good at, or has the idea of "entitlement" gone so far in the country that simply because they have a dream and want to be big stars, then they should? That the world OWES it to them? Maybe we could have a program called Alternate American Idol and have all these rejects compete. The one that is the most horrible could win, get a multi-million dollar record deal, have some producer guys who are really good with Pro Tools doctor the holy shit out of it, and maybe the thing would sell millions.
Worked for Milli Vinilli....
JimmyR 1/2004
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